


I'll Light the Night with Stars

by NeroAnne



Series: Stonathan Week 2018 [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Day 2, Friends to Lovers, Love's sweet tune, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Protective Steve, Soft Jonathan, Stonathan Week 2018, Sweet Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-20 12:39:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16137425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeroAnne/pseuds/NeroAnne
Summary: With no hesitation, Steve took him into his arms. "I'm right here," he said immediately, his forehead coming down so that his lips brushed against his ear. One of his hands touched Jonathan's cheek, the other pressing firmly against his green shirt."With me," Steve cooed softly, and Jonathan wanted to cry with just how soft and soothing that deep voice sounded in his ear. He inhaled shakily, mimicking Steve's breaths,  "Breathe with me, beautiful, I'm right here." The palm on his shirt, above his rapidly beating heart, stroked slowly and Jonathan could feel the worry and fear begin to fade away."Steve," he whispered, his forehead pressed tightly against the taller boy's.orSteve finds Jonathan suffering a panic attack one day and forms a bond of friendship that gradually consumes them both with love.





	I'll Light the Night with Stars

**Author's Note:**

> I went with the option of choosing a song I can write a fic to. 
> 
> The song I chose is, "Whispers in the Dark" by Skillet. Give it a listen if you haven't. Also, I'm mostly using knowledge of panic attacks I have from articles and books. I'm not someone who deals with panic attacks so if anyone reading IS and if anything I've written is wrong I deeply apologize. 
> 
>    
>  **TRIGGER WARNING: vivid description of panic attacks, feelings of depression and self-deprecation, talk of suicide and self-harm, read at your own will.**

Steve drove up to the Byers house slowly, peering out at the small home through his windshield. He killed his engine and sat quietly, running his thumb over his bottom lip as he thought about what exactly he would say to his best friend once he saw him again. 

Jonathan had been missing from school for three days. 

When the quiet blonde had missed Wednesday, he didn’t think too much about it. He’d called the Byers house after school but Jonathan’s younger sibling had been the one to answer. “Jonathan is sick,” Will had said quietly, “but I think he’ll be okay.”

There was something odd in Will’s voice. Odd, but not alarming. 

“Can you tell him I called?” Steve requested, “I was wondering if our plans for Saturday were still on.”

“Sure, Steve,” Will replied, “I’ll tell him.”

And that was that. Steve had spent a very boring Wednesday night trying to do his homework and not let his thoughts wander to Jonathan Byers. It was impossible. He couldn’t go a damn minute without picturing that smile. Jonathan was very reserved most of the time but Steve knew how to get him to smile and when that smile lit up, it was easily the most amazing thing Steve had ever seen.

It was one of Steve’s favorite things. Getting Jonathan to smile. He would bend himself backwards just the see those dimples, hear that quiet little laugh, and see the sparkle in those tired eyes. He’d gotten so used to seeing Jonathan every day. Before school where they would park beside one another and talk before the bell rung, or after school where Jonathan would sit on the bleachers reading a book while Steve practiced for upcoming games. On weekends, Steve would pick Jonathan up and together they would find something to do. He didn’t realize how spoiled about the blonde he’d become until today when he didn’t get to see him at all. 

Then, the next day, when Jonathan’s car wasn’t parked waiting for him as he pulled up the school, Steve was a bit concerned. His mood was sour all day and when he’d gotten home, he immediately called Jonathan. 

It was Joyce who answered that time. “He’s just tired,” she had said and Steve frowned on the other end. 

“Is he okay? Does he have a flu?”

“No, but he just really needs to rest, Steven. I will make sure he calls you later.”

Fine. Steve had accepted that. Maybe Jonathan was just sleeping, trying to sweat out whatever sickness he had. His Thursday night went exactly like his Wednesday. Boring, alone, and spent sorely missing his blonde friend. He went out for a drive that night, going further than he intended. He’d found a nice spot just outside of Hawkins, a gorgeous place where the sky was filled with bright diamonds, almost as bright as Jonathan’s eyes. 

When Friday came and Jonathan was still missing, Steve had made up an illness of his own and promptly left school early. He thought about stopping by his house to call first, but decided against it. He didn’t want to explain anything to his mother if she happened to be home and he also didn’t want to have his call answered by any of the Byers if it wasn’t Jonathan himself. 

And now that he was parked outside of Byers home, he honestly had no clue what he expected but he knew one thing. This had gone on for far too long. He wasn’t used to not seeing Jonathan. He _wanted_ to see Jonathan. He missed him. They hadn’t gone a day without seeing each other since the incident almost a year ago...

_“Yes, Mr. Harrington?” the professor asked, an exasperated look on his face as he paused in his lecture when he noticed Steve’s hand up in the air._

_Steve grinned, “Can I go take leak?” he held up his hands quickly as the instructor’s narrowed, “Sorry, I mean, may I use the bathroom? I had a bit too much cola during lunch.”_

_The man’s lips twitched as the rest of the students snickered. “Very well, Mr. Harrington. Do try and find you way back quickly.”_

_“Can’t promise you that,” Steve winked as he stood up, straightening his jacket, “I had like four tacos also.”_

_Tommy H. snorted from behind him and several girls in the row beside him giggled amongst themselves as their professor rolled his eyes._

_Steve wandered towards the door and quickly darted out into the hallway and made a sharp left. Using the bathroom was really just an excuse to walk around a little bit. The baseball game against the team from Gary tonight was on his mind and those kids were brutal._

_He walked down the hall towards the bathroom and slapped his palm against the door, pausing when he noticed that the light had been turned off. “What the hell?” there was enough light from the window beside the fire alarm to cast a dim glow in the room and he damn near jumped out of his skin when he saw the figure slumped over the sink farthest from the door._

_“Jesus Christ,” he said and he watched the way the boy jumped, his pale fingers losing their grip on the sink as he fell sideways, his body crashing against the tiled wall. “Shit-” Steve moved quickly, ready to grab onto the guy’s elbow to steady him but a hand reached out to stop him._

_“D-don’t,” a quiet voice whispered, shaky and petrified, “P-please don’t touch me right now.” He moved slowly, curling up into a fetal position, his body trembling. A flash of dark blonde hair and brown eyes caught Steve’s attention._

_“Byers?” Steve brows furrowed and he kneeled down, his hands hovering over Jonathan’s quivering form, “Holy shit, what’s the matter with you? Do you need a doctor?”_

_“Just go away, Harrington,” Jonathan bit out, his fingernails scraping against the tiled floor as he clenched his hand into a fist, “Please…” his eyes closed and Steve was mortified to see a tear trail down a prominent cheekbone, “Please just…” he didn’t finish, instead breaking off into a hiccupping sob._

_Beside himself, Steve sat down, staring at the smaller boy in concern. “Christ, Byers, what’s wrong?” he licked his lips nervously, “What can I do to help? Come on, man, you’re really scaring me. Are you hurt? Do you need me to get someone?”_

_Jonathan lay trembling but his eyes opened slowly. More tears slipped down his pale cheeks and he released a shaky breath, “N-not hurt,” he gasped out, “j-just…” he swallowed hard, his hands coming up to hide his face, “Panic…panic…” one hand trailed down to grab his chest and he sobbed again, trying to disappear into himself more than he already was._

_“Panic?” Steve repeated, eyes wide, “A panic attack?” Jonathan didn’t confirm it vocally, but the way his head moved up and down just slightly had Steve kneeling up instantly. He pulled off his letterman jacket and tossed it over Jonathan’s shaking shoulders._

_“Okay, okay,” Steve said, his heart in his throat, “Um…uh…what can I…?” he wished he knew what to do. “Please,” he whispered, “please tell me how I can help.”_

_Jonathan didn’t speak for a few moments, his breathing loud and harsh. Slowly, he wrapped his fingers around Steve’s jacket, pressing his face against it, “Talk,” he whispered, “talk…to me.”_

_“Talk,” Steve said, relieved, “Okay, I can do that.” He thought about a topic and then snapped his fingers, “Oh! So, I have my game tonight against the kids in Gary. Man, those guys are real assholes. I think you’ve been to some games, right? Nancy Wheeler told me that you don’t even like sports though.”_

_Jonathan still wasn’t staring at him and it was bothering him. How could he finally pull the younger man out of this? How could he fix it? How could he make it better?_

_“You take pictures,” Steve suddenly remembered, “You’ve taken pictures at the game for the school paper. I’ve seen them,” he smiled encouragingly as Jonathan’s eyes drifted to meet his own, “They’re really good, Jonathan.”_

_A soft sigh was his answer and Steve continued, “You took the picture when we won the game against our rivals last year. I hit a home-run and you got a picture of me celebrating while I was sitting on Morgan and Daniel’s shoulders,” he grinned, moving a hand through his hair, “I showed my folks that paper. They have that picture cut out and framed on our wall.”_

_It took a few more minutes, but eventually, Jonathan stopped shaking. During the time that Steve was talking, he had sat up, sitting back on his knees. His gaze was still on the floor and a soft color had spread across his cheeks._

_“…and that kid I babysit sometimes, Dustin, he’s good friends with your baby brother, right? Man, those kids really are-”_

_“Steve.”_

_And hearing Byers say his name like that, all soft and timid, had him almost biting his tongue._

_“Thank you,” Jonathan exhaled hard, pushing his fringe away from his tired eyes, “You…you didn’t have to stay and comfort me.” He moved to stand and Steve quickly got up, offering a hand, which, after a small moment’s hesitation, Jonathan took._

_“Well, I wasn’t just going to leave you here,” Steve replied, “You needed me, man.”_

_Jonathan didn’t reply to that, still looking shy. “Oh,” he said suddenly, “Here,” he shrugged off Steve’s jacket, handing it out to him with an embarrassed frown. He was still shivering though, the material of his black shirt not enough to stop the chills._

_“Leave it on,” Steve ordered, “You can give it to me later, I don’t need it back right away.” He narrowed his eyes at Jonathan until the smaller man gave in, pulling on the jacket slowly. “So…” he licked his lips, “Does that happen a lot?”_

_Jonathan’s shrugged, “Yes,” he murmured, “No. I don’t know.” He sighed, “It’s been a while since I’ve had one.”_

_“Okay,” Steve said, not wanting to push. “So, can I walk you back to class?” he blinked at the surprised look he received. “What? You don’t really think I’m just going to ignore you now, do you?”_

_“You did before,” Jonathan said, bitter, and Steve’s lips tightened._

_“Well,” he huffed, “Not anymore. Now you’re stuck with me Byers, so you better get used to it!” he tugged on Jonathan’s sleeve, ushering him out of the room._

It hit him suddenly. “Shit!” Steve jerked open his car door, slamming the door closed behind him without a second thought. He raced up to the house, knocking harshly on the worn wood. The door swung open wildly and Steve stepped back in alarm, his hands raised in front of him as Jim Hopper glared out at him. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Hopper said gruffly, glancing behind his shoulder and Steve could see Joyce inside, her eyes wide with surprise as she stared at him from over Hopper’s bulk. 

“I’m sorry,” Steve replied, “But I need to see him.”

Hopper didn’t budge. 

“Please!” Steve finally snapped, “I…he had another one, didn’t he?” he looked to Joyce, “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself? Why didn’t he tell me?”

Joyce sighed wearily, “Jim, let him in.” 

Steve darted inside once the man stood aside, staring down the hall, “Can I see him?” he asked, but it really wasn’t a question. 

Joyce nodded slowly, “He’s better now,” she said softly, “but this was his worst one.”

Swallowing hard, Steve turned away from the woman and made his way towards the second door down the hall. He didn’t bother to knock, grabbing the doorknob and twisting, pushing the door open. 

Jonathan was asleep, a pair of headphones covering his ears. He was wearing the letterman jacket and a pair of grey pajama pants, a thin blanket spread over his lap and an opened book atop of it. 

Steve gazed at the sleeping boy for a few moments, drinking him in. Three days was too long to go without seeing his beautiful boy. Stepping into the room, Steve closed the door and walked over to the bed. 

Reaching down, Steve gently pulled the headphones away, watching as Jonathan’s eyes slowly blinked open. He smiled, seeing the recognition reflecting in those brown eyes. “Hey, gorgeous.”

Jonathan sat up slowly, “Hi,” he whispered, setting aside the book and making room for Steve. He pulled his knees up to his chest, sighing. 

Steve sat down beside him, patiently waiting. 

“I’m sorry,” Jonathan said after a few moments. “I…I shouldn’t have just disappeared on you like that.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Steve asked, trying hard to keep the heartbreak from his tone. Judging by the way Jonathan flinched, he didn’t succeed, “Jonathan, I’ve been helping you deal with them for the past ten months. Why didn’t you tell me?”

The way Jonathan was suddenly trying to avoid his gaze was concerning. The blonde shrugged, fiddling with the cuff on one of the sleeves.

“I just needed to deal with this one on my own.”

“Bullshit,” Steve snapped, narrowing his eyes at the way Jonathan’s lips tugged downward. “Tell me the truth, Jonathan.”

“That _is_ the truth,” Jonathan shot back, still not looking at him as he began to pull the letterman jacket off of his slender frame, “I…I don’t need you all the time, you know? I dealt with them just fine on my own until you came along and I’ll continue to deal with them on my own from now on.” 

Now in just his white wife-beater and the pajama pants, Jonathan offered the jacket back to Steve, eyes downcast.

Oh, this was not easy. 

There was a very _real_ hurt in his heart from Jonathan’s obviously fake words. But why? Things had been so good. So wonderful. Jonathan had pulled feelings from him that he’d never felt for anyone else before. 

Jonathan was his best friend but so much more. He was the first person he thought of when he woke up, the last person he spoke to before he fell asleep, the only face he dreamt about. With Jonathan, the shitty town of Hawkins felt _alive_.

And he knew that his feelings weren’t one-sided. He’d seen the look in Jonathan’s eyes when they were alone. He knew that the blush that would stain those pale cheeks when complemented wasn’t just out of embarrassment, but also out of desire. Whenever he had a grueling practice, Jonathan would be waiting for him with an icepack, homemade sweets, and a soft smile. 

It was all for him. All his. That wasn’t about to change.

“Be ready tomorrow at six,” Steve said, tossing the jacket back at Jonathan and standing. 

“W-what?” Jonathan finally looked at him, and Steve almost smiled at the confused look in the blonde’s eyes, “What are you talking about?”

“We have plans tomorrow, remember? You agreed to watch _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_ with me after you made me sit through that last _Friday the 13th_ movie.”

“But-”

“Nope,” Steve replied, already making his way to the door. “Be ready, Jonathan. I mean it.” He made the mistake of looking back at Jonathan. The wife-beater hid absolutely nothing. His pretty pale collarbones, the groove of his neck, his creamy shoulders exposed all at once was a sight Steve wished he had more time to appreciate. “And put my damn jacket back on.”

_Despite the lies that you're making_  
_Your love is mine for the taking_  
_My love is_  
_Just waiting  
_To turn your tears to roses__

____\--_ _ _ _

____“Pretty good,” Steve exclaimed, walking out of the theater with his arms stretching above his head. “Way better than your horror movie, that’s for sure.”_ _ _ _

____“Not even close,” Jonathan muttered, ducking his chin into the collar of Steve’s jacket. It brought him comfort, easily picturing himself in Steve’s arms if they were ever apart. He looked around the area, noticing several people from their school staring their way. He looked away, not wanting to draw attention._ _ _ _

____“Steve! Hey!”_ _ _ _

____Damn it all._ _ _ _

____Jonathan let his face fall into indifference, turning his head away as Morgan Addams, Steve’s teammate, walked their way. He heard Steve greet the other boy enthusiastically and he busied himself with staring at promotional posters for upcoming movies._ _ _ _

____“What’s up, man?” he heard Morgan ask, “Are you coming over to Conan’s party?”_ _ _ _

____“Nah,” Steve answered easily and Jonathan jumped, feeling Steve’s large hand close around his forearm, tugging him gently into the conversation. “I’m on a date, man.”_ _ _ _

____Oh God._ _ _ _

____Jonathan’s cheeks colored, his lips pressed tightly. What the hell was Steve doing? Why on Earth was he risking complete humiliation-_ _ _ _

____“Awesome, dude,” Morgan said, winking at Steve, “Good catch. You two have fun and be safe, okay? You know how weekends are.” He shared a fist-bump with Steve and sent Jonathan a smile, who was too confused to react right away._ _ _ _

____“Y-you too, Morgan,” Jonathan said, watching the gangly teenager walk away. He turned to Steve, furious. “Why did you say that?”_ _ _ _

____“Why not?” Steve replied easily, “This is a date, isn’t it?” His eyes searched Jonathan’s and he swallowed, too stunned to reply._ _ _ _

____Steve chuckled, gesturing towards his car. “Come on. I’ve got more planned for us tonight.” He walked towards his car and Jonathan could do nothing but follow._ _ _ _

____They drove in silence, Jonathan staring out the window. His eyes drooped and he realized that he was still drained from his last panic attack. Fuck, it had been the worst one in a long time. Normally, he could feel it starting and he usually did his best to find Steve. If the older boy was out of reach, he would call him._ _ _ _

____Steve was always able to talk him down…to help him._ _ _ _

____But how long would that last? Jonathan cringed, pressing his forehead against the window. He’d never considered it before. He had gotten so used to being with Steve after spending so many months at his side. They’d formed a tentative friendships that led into a more trusting relationship._ _ _ _

____One where they would tease one another over music and movie taste. Where he would feel completely comfortable with letting Steve touch his hand, or his arm. A relationship that made him question so many things whenever he locked eyes with the older boy, seeing the promise of a future._ _ _ _

____He hadn’t thought about hurting himself in months. Not since Steve found him that first time so long ago. Before, dealing with the attacks on his own, he would contemplate finding a way to just get rid of his fear. Maybe with pain? He could so easily find something sharp to slice lines into himself…could just as easily run himself into a ditch…or swallow down pills to fall asleep and never wake up again._ _ _ _

____The very idea filled his stomach with knots. It wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to die, hadn’t thought this low of himself every since Steve befriended him. Steve was a flirt. He had always been that way, but when he called him _beautiful_ or _gorgeous_ or even told him that he was _his_ , it felt real. It felt honest and possible. _ _ _ _

____But how long would it _last_?_ _ _ _

____Steve Harrington was perfect. And what was he? Broken Byers. Mentally unfit Jonathan. And soon, Steve would see that. He would see just how much a twisted soul he was…and he would stay away. He would abandon him, leave him for someone else. Be the light in someone else’s life._ _ _ _

____Jonathan inhaled through his nose, trying his hardest to quell the sudden fear itching at his chest. Thinking this way was what caused the panic attack that left him bedridden for three days. The possibility of Steve leaving…of finding someone worthy…someone well…it scared him._ _ _ _

____Steve was the bright sun in his gloomy sky. If his sun went away…what would happen? The dark sky would open up and swallow him whole…leaving him in a dark, grey world all by himself. No warmth. No comfort. No love._ _ _ _

____No Steve._ _ _ _

____“Hey…”_ _ _ _

____Jonathan jumped, turning his head away from the window. Steve’s hand was closed around his wrist, his thumb trailing over the pulse which was probably fluttering like mad. He exhaled shakily, looking outside. “Where are we?”_ _ _ _

____“Just on the edge of town,” Steve answered quietly. “I wanted to show you something I found one night while you were sick.” He licked his lips, opening the door. Jonathan pushed open his own door, stepping outside._ _ _ _

_________I will be the one that's gonna hold you_  
_I will be the one that you run to_  
_My love is  
_A burning, consuming fire__

_______Steve sat back against the hood of his car, watching as Jonathan stared up at the sky. Dozens of little bright lights swarmed the dark expanse, and he smiled softly, enjoying the look on wonder in Jonathan’s eyes._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“I wish I had my camera,” Jonathan murmured, tilting his head further. Steve let him enjoy the scenery a bit longer before he cleared his throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Jonathan.” Steve waited, watching the blonde turn to him with a questioning glance. “Why didn’t you call me? Do you have any idea how worried I was?” he saw the way Jonathan flinched. “Do you have any idea how it felt? To realize that the reason why you were out from school was because you had a panic attack and I-” he shook his head, “I wasn’t there.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“You shouldn’t have to be,” Jonathan said and it took a lot of patience that Steve didn’t know he had to keep from snapping at his boy. “I…I need to learn how to deal with these on my own. You’re not going to be with me forever.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Am I not?” Steve challenged, his fingers curling tightly. “And why not?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Steve,” Jonathan sighed, his shoulders dropping, “I don’t want to be your burden. You have an actual future ahead of you. You shouldn’t tie yourself down to someone like me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Someone like you?” Steve repeated, pushing himself away from the car. “And what the fuck does that mean? How do you see yourself, Jonathan?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Stop it,” Jonathan snapped, eyes narrowing, “Y-you know that I’m not well. I’m…” he shook his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“What caused you so much panic, Jonathan? What scared you so much that you couldn’t even face me for three damn days?” Steve asked, stepping closer and hating the way Jonathan hedged back. “Don’t run, Jonathan. Not from _me_.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“I-I have to,” Jonathan murmured, “I can’t rely on you so much, _this_ much.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Why not?” Steve asked, “Why _not_ , Jonathan?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“I shouldn’t,” he could see how hard it was for Jonathan to swallow, “I shouldn’t be with you. You deserve more. Better. Someone better…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________No_  
_You'll never be alone_  
_When darkness comes, I'll light the night with stars_  
_Hear the whispers in the dark_  
_No_  
_You'll never be alone_  
_When darkness comes, you know I'm never far  
_Hear the whispers in the dark__

______________The younger boy began to pace and Steve couldn’t do anything but watch. There was a flush creeping up on Jonathan’s face, his words falling from his lips rapidly and his fired up body moving with his unease._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“A-a-and I know that eventually, you’ll realize just how much more special you are and you’ll find someone better than me!” Jonathan’s body was beginning to shake and Steve grit his teeth, wishing he could hold the younger man steady but knowing that he had to be patient. “S-somebody who isn’t fucked up in the head or-or-or damaged like I am, someone who _deserves_ your…your…” his voice was ruined and with it, Steve’s resolve was breaking, “someone who deserves your _love_.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________All at once, the furious red began to fade from Jonathan’s face. His breathing became labored and his hand reached up to grasp his chest, a loud gasp leaving his throat. He looked to Steve, those beautiful brown eyes filling with terrified tears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________With no hesitation, Steve walked the short length and took him into his arms. “I'm right here,” he said immediately, his forehead coming down so that his lips brushed against his ear. One of his hands touched Jonathan's cheek, the other pressing firmly against his green shirt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________________You feel so lonely and ragged_  
_You lay here broken and naked_  
_My love is_  
_Just waiting  
_To clothe you in crimson roses__

__________________“With me,” Steve cooed softly, and Jonathan wanted to cry with just how soft and soothing that deep voice sounded in his ear. He inhaled shakily, mimicking Steve's breaths, “Breathe with me, beautiful, I'm right here.” The palm on his shirt, above his rapidly beating heart, stroked slowly and Jonathan could feel the worry and fear begin to fade away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Steve,” he whispered, his forehead pressed tightly against the taller boy's. He felt his knees buckle and then Steve was catching him, slowly lowering their bodies onto the soft ground. Steve sat, kneeling in front of Jonathan and holding onto his face so tenderly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Jonathan,” Steve murmured, eyes closed as he pressed the tips of their noses together, “Do you remember that time, months ago, where we had a bet going that I could get you to smile? You were still kind of closed off from me. We talked, hung out, but you still didn’t really know how to behave around me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Jonathan nodded, breathing steadily through his nose. He stared into Steve’s face, watching those lips curl into a grin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I tried so hard for days to get you to smile. I cracked every dirty joke I knew, forced you to watch comedy movies that could make anyone laugh, hell, I purposefully tripped in the hall in front of you but you didn’t even bat an eye.” He chuckled and Jonathan remembered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________The dark dread in his chest began to fade and he gripped Steve’s wrists, unwilling to let him go._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“And then, finally, I came to school the day after we had that really brutal practice the night before. I was walking on my tiptoes, like I had a stick up my ass or something. You were waiting with those damn cookies you always make me and the look on your face when I wolfed them down…Jonathan, you smiled for me. Finally. And it was the best thing I’ve ever seen.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Jonathan could feel the tears in his eyes. He shut them, feeling the hot water run down his cheeks. Steve’s thumbs moved to soothe them away and he inhale shakily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“And that was when I knew I was in love you,” Steve whispered, his own voice small and Jonathan gasped wetly, eyes opening wide and pulling back to stare at him. Steve stared back at him, smiling weakly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“You don’t believe it but I’ll tell you ever damn day until you do, but your smile…” Steve laughed, looking up at the sky, “it’s brighter and prettier than any of these damn stars above us.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Jonathan could feel his body shaking, but for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t from panic. The tears continued to drip steadily down his face, he could taste them on his lips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I love you, Jonathan,” Steve murmured intensely, staring at him with honesty, “I love you so much. You don’t have to worry about me finding someone else because I found the one I want to be with months ago. It’s you, Jonathan. I promise you that it will always be you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________________________I will be the one that's gonna find you_  
_I will be the one that's gonna guide you_  
_My love is  
_A burning, consuming fire__

_____________________Jonathan had been silent for a while. He knelt there, staring at Steve with eyes full of hope and surprise._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“Beautiful, talk to me,” Steve was begging and Jonathan blinked hard. “Are you okay? Do you need me to do something-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________“Kiss me,” Jonathan breathed and he saw the way Steve’s face brightened and he knew this was real. This was _real_. Steve wanted him. Loved him. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Their lips met slowly and Jonathan could feel something heavy and pressing against his chest. It didn’t feel alarming. It didn’t hurt the way his panic attacks hurt. It didn’t leave him feeling cold, or scared, or worthless._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________It made him feel _loved.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Steve’s lips were soft and salty from tears but they were perfect._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Everything was perfect._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________\--_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Omg, 4,000+ words. 
> 
> I got carried away here.
> 
> Also, I gave up with trying to italicize the lyrics. Idk, anytime I do the format it always kicks in weird but I kinda like how it turned out. So yeah.


End file.
